I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
