it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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