i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
