No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
