i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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