I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
