I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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