After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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