I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
