No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
