I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
