We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
