I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
