I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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