Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
