the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
