Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I am one with the molecules
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
