Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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