when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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