You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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