I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
