Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
