I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
