Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
