He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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