I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
