I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
