I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
