He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
