If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
