you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
