My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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