This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
