Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
