the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
