Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
