My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
