you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
