Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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