I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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