Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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