so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
