A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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