She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
