My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
