I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
