i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
