We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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