I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
