I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
